


here is the root of the root

by KaelsMiscellany



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: AU, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Identity Issues, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:17:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5685280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaelsMiscellany/pseuds/KaelsMiscellany
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s an ache in him the First Order and Snoke had filled, a check on him and his emotions—for the most part; but now he has nothing in him but himself, and he’s not sure how to <i>be</i> himself, or who he <i>is</i> in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	here is the root of the root

**Author's Note:**

> What is this? Another [TFA_Kinkmeme fill](http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/1082.html?thread=616506#cmt616506)? What nonsense is this?!
> 
> Title comes from "I carry your heart with me (i carry it in" by E.E. Cummings

In a out of the way corner of the _Falcon_ —he just, he couldn’t be around them no matter how much they might want to be around _him_ —Kylo Ren, Ben Organa-Solo, Kylo sits huddled under a pile of blankets.

He _hurts_ , his heart, his _soul_. It feels like someone went in and sloppily scooped out his insides. There’s an ache in him the First Order and Snoke had filled, a check on him and his emotions—for the most part—but now he has nothing in him but himself, and he’s not sure how to _be_ himself, or who he _is_ in the first place.

His mind is at loose ends and he just feels _lost_.

A hand, both somehow warm and cold, rests itself on his shoulder and he starts, but when he looks around, trying to see who managed to sneak up on him, there isn’t anyone there. He does _not_ panic, but he does reach out tentatively with the Force—his first since his father had offered a hand, expecting nothing in return—trying to get a sense of what’s happening.

There _is_ someone with him, he realizes, but they’re not alive. The edges and feel of them fuzzy and distant.

“Hello?” His throat hurts, he’d been crying earlier.

There isn’t a response, not verbally at least. Just that invisible hand squeezing his shoulder, and a feeling of pride flowing into his mind.

The hand leaves, but the feeling of pride lingers, it makes Ben-Kylo-Ben uncurl himself a little. Making himself easier to spot as he leans against one of the walls, the hum of the hyperdrive filling him.

Maybe...maybe things will only get better.

-

It’s night, he’s trying to sleep after who knows how long of being awake. He saw his _mother_ , still strong and caring, even after decades. She’d hugged him and he’d been acutely aware of how much he’d grown since she last saw him, how he’d changed. It had been...uncomfortable.

But now he’s in a bed, and attempting to get to sleep. Except he keeps expecting sounds and things to happen that don’t, or they do happen just not when he thinks they should; he still expects things to happen as the First Order dictates, not the Resistance.

He doesn’t even feel tired as a growingly familiar presence approaches his door. But he doesn’t try to get out of his bed until there’s a knock on the door.

Rey stands on the other side of the door, nervousness radiating from her. She’s changed clothes, but it doesn’t escape him how similar they are to her old clothes.

“You can’t sleep.” It’s not even a question, vaguely he wonders if she’d felt it through the Force, or if the Force had nudged her.

He nods, answer enough; he’s not sure how much he wants to speak anymore now that he doesn’t know what to say.

Her eyes inspect him critically, he can’t even find it in him to be offended when it feels more like she’s judging some criteria he’s never even heard about before. “Come on.”

“What?” Alright, so clearly he’ll speak enough.

She huffs and rolls her eyes. “You can’t sleep, but you should. Otherwise you might do something stupid,” she sounds like she’s speaking from experience. “So I’m going to help you sleep.” Her offer is unexpected, and he’s not quite sure how to react, staring at her outstretched hand.

But he takes it, the feel of the Force in her as enticing as it had been yesterday; had it really only been yesterday?

Her hand is rough, far rougher than any he’s touched before, reminding him she was a scavenger, that this hand has done more work than Kylo, _Ben_ , has ever done. Satisfied that he won’t somehow let go, she heads back they way he’d felt her arrive; dragging him along as if he weren’t taller, and at least older, than her. But he does follow, feeling a flicker of surprise when they come to a stop at another bedroom door.

The door hisses open and they enter what must be her room. And he’s not the only one she’s made this offer to if the darker lumps on the bed are any sign, it stings a little. As the lights come on faintly he sees it’s FN—no _Finn_ —and the pilot, whose name he hadn’t managed to catch; a distant part of him chides him for the oversight. They’re both asleep, the pilot snoring softly.

“Come on,” he starts, having somehow forgotten Rey was there. He turns his head to see her shedding her outer layers, long forgotten modesty rises and makes him avert his eyes back to the bed.

“I don’t think…” He starts to try and extract himself but Rey interrupts.

“Then don’t think.” She grumps, and she enters his field of vision again as she climbs into her bed. The pilot stays sleeping, but her movements wake Finn up, who blinks sleepily before focusing on him.

“Hi,” Ben-Kylo starts, not expecting anything like that as a reaction.

Rey presses her side against Finn’s back. “Tell him he needs to get in here and sleep with us, he apparently won’t listen to me anymore.”

If the suddenness of any of this surprises the other man he shows no sign of it, even in the Force. “Come on, it’s warm, and nobody hogs the blankets and pillows _that_ much.”

A stunning commendation, but the earnestness of it does make Kylo-Ben- _Ben_ give a twitch of a smile.

“It’s comforting,” Rey continues; and as she speaks he realizes that she hasn’t tried to address him by any sort of name, as if she can sense the upheaval inside him over something that should be simple.

It’s that more than anything that finally gets him moving, shedding most of his own clothes and trying not to dislodge anyone too much as he climbs over them all—her bed is smaller than his but at least with the wall to his back he doesn’t have to think too much about falling off.

The second he’s under the covers Rey is pulling him towards her, her skin smooth and warm against his. But she’s right, it is comforting in a way. the sounds of three other people occupying such a small space—and it hasn’t escaped him that there’s no way he can comfortably fit in this bed without touching at least two of them—more calming than he thought it would be.

“See,” Rey murmurs, the feel of her in the Force becoming more and more hazy as she slips into sleep.

He closes his eyes, not trying to find a center of any sort like he remembers from old lessons or his anger like he has for the past twenty or so years, and just lets himself listen. No thoughts, no worries, just a drifting mind.

It’s even possible he sleeps.

-

It’s a few days later and his life has at least fallen into a pattern of sorts, one that makes him feel more sturdy on his feet. He has breakfast in the morning with his parents—who, it had warmed him to find out, had _not_ ‘panicked’ when they discovered he hadn’t been in his rooms that following morning—then he and his mother join the other generals of the Resistance and he tells them about the First Order; part of him does hurt at the betrayal, they were in a way _his_ people, but he wants his parents, and Rey, to suffer even less. And if that meant giving away the secrets of the First Order so that the war ended sooner than so be it.

At lunch Rey usually joins him, not minding at all that he doesn’t talk much to her. But talking about the preparations that are being made for her upcoming trip.

It’s only today that the significance of that hits.

“You’re going to Luke aren’t you?” His throat still aches slightly from all the talking he’d just done with the generals and he takes a drink.

She nods. “Yes, I’m going to ask him to train me.”

Hurt and anger flash through him, shocking him to discover that he doesn’t _want_ her to leave. Since that first night she’s only shared a bed once more with him, and that time crawling into his bed. But he’s grown to count on her presence, it soothes him, reminds him there’s a reason he turned from the Dark.

He’s not sure what will happen if she leaves. “I, I could train you,” it’s an offer hastily made, even moreso by the fact that his own training past the basics is...slapdash; Snoke and the knights only gave him additions to the basics, things he could easily learn. It hurts to realize they were holding back just as much as he had imagined Luke had.

Her smile is lovely and warm. “Thank you, I...I appreciate the offer. But,” she looks guiltily away, and he feels that same sting he had a few days ago when he’d seen the others in her bed.

“I understand,” it’s stiff but he means it, enough. Almost too quickly he stands and begins making his way out of the half-bustling mess hall.

Rey chases after him, grabbing his arm with a stronger grip than someone that slight should. “Wait,” her tone isn’t harsh, but it doesn’t leave much room for argument; and if he didn’t know any better he’d think she were trying to mind trick him. “You don’t have to like my decision, but if I’m going to go up against Snoke, or the Knights of Ren then I want to learn from someone with experience. I can’t take my time here, I need the fastest path I can get.” Out of the corner of his eye he can see a tentative smile on her face. “I do appreciate you offering though. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

It had actually be _very_ easy, but he realizes that his offering had opened up something in him. Ever since he arrived on the base he hasn’t really used the Force, not in the way he’s used to; oh he uses it to sense Rey, or his mother. But the little day to day uses that were his habit he’s denied himself. “Alright,” he finally responds, knowing she wants one before she’ll leave.

Her smile in response is brilliant, and she squeezes his wrist slightly before letting go and heading back to her own meal.

As he turns to leave he finds he’s grateful to her for showing him that he was foolishly afraid of using the Force. But it still hurts that she didn’t think him good enough to learn from in reverse.

-

Rey had left after breakfast, which meant that after the meeting with the generals ended—he doesn’t have much more to tell them and he wonders what he’ll do when he doesn’t have these meetings to go to—he expects to eat alone at lunch.

The clatter of a tray landing on the table across from him draws him from the introspective funk he’d been in. And he looks up in surprise to see Finn joining him.

Kylo-Ben stares at the other man. They haven’t exactly had much interaction since that first night, and he’s had to debate on whether or not that was on purpose, or if Finn just spent most of his days with the pilots—his mind helpfully reminds him that FN-2187’s scores had been low-average in flight simulators.

Finn’s smile is a flash before he starts digging into his food. “I thought you might like some company.”

The idea is...touching, yet. “Did Rey tell you to do this?” He doesn’t need to be _watched_ by anyone let alone by her friends. He _chose_ this, this agonizing crawl back into the light, he’s not going to let himself regret it now; or be turned away from it.

“No,” Finn quickly exclaims, his fork restlessly prodding at his food. “You just, looked lonely. And I miss Rey too.”

He opens his mouth to protest before closing it. Because he realizes he _does_ miss Rey. He’s known her for less than a standard week and already she’s somehow become a cornerstone of his life. It’s...disquieting to contemplate, he’s never been one to be so quick in relying on someone, let alone someone who’d been his enemy for all of a day. Yet it’s somehow happened, and now he has to figure out how to live with it.

So instead of letting himself speak—he’s not exactly in control of himself right now, he’d rather not speak than say something he’d regret—he shoves some bread in his mouth; deciding that a nod could be a good response.

Finn doesn’t seem to mind the lack of conversation, just goes back to eating his own food. At least until someone else sits next to them. He’s taken aback to see it’s Dameron.

Like most of the people in the resistance Dameron seems...wary about him, a reaction that hardly bothers him considering what he’s done—in both specific and general. It does mean he’s taken to avoiding most of the people here on the base, but he can live with that. What does rankle him is when they blamed him for _all_ the atrocities done by the First Order, as if he’d made every decision himself.

Closing his eyes he breathes, focuses on his mother, letting her unyielding strength beckon him closer to the Light. Through the Force he feels a question from her, and he sends back a reassurance that he’s fine, just needing a moment. He doesn’t understand why Dameron is here, especially considering the fact that Kylo tortured him; the morning after that first night Dameron had been gone before seemingly anyone else had woken up.

“Poe,” Finn greets cheerfully. “How’s the new training going?” Ben-Ben- _Ben_ is certain Finn feels the tension between the two of them, and is purposefully trying to defuse it. Maybe they should have trained him up for the diplomatic teams instead of the post he’d been given.

Dameron breaks their impromptu staring contest first and Ben-Kylo tries not to feel pleased. “Better than expected, but it’s tough.”

Finn gives a solemn nod. “We were just talking about Rey,” Ben-Kylo startles when he realizes that Finn is following in Rey’s footsteps, not addressing him by any sort of name; it’s a strange relief—he can stand his parents calling him Ben but he’s not sure about anyone else just yet.

Dameron, gratefully, lets himself be distracted. But as the two of them converse he realizes that they’ve already received messages from her, though she must still be in hyperspace on her way to Ahch-to and Luke.

Standing he finds himself torn between hope that she’s sent him a message too and he’s somehow missed it, and anger that they got messages and he didn’t; only one is actually plausible.

“Are you alright?” Finn’s question has the wonderful addition of jerking him out of his inner struggle.

He gives a stiff nod. “Yes, I need to go.” Without waiting for a response he turns and leaves, trying his best not to seem like he’s hurrying to his room.

On the desk the little datapad his mother gave him is flashing. After unlocking it he taps the message button. _“Hey,”_ Rey’s voice nearly fills his room. _“Hope you’re doing alright. Don’t get into too much trouble alright?”_ He manages to work out she’s _teasing him_ , it...he thinks he might like it. _“I should be back in a few days, so don’t worry alright.”_ The message cuts out.

-

His mother is a busy woman, but he knows she’ll make time for him; he does feel kind of bad about it, but this is important.

She looks up and smiles as he walks into her office. “Ben,” it doesn’t hurt to hear her say it. “Is something wrong?” She may not be a Jedi, but she knows enough about the Force, and she is his mother too.

“I,” he takes one of the seats across from the desk, drooping so she doesn’t have to crane her neck. “I wanted to ask you something. For your advice I mean.” She’s one of the smartest people he knows, she must have _some_ good advice about this.

“Ask me about what?” She turns off her datapad and glues her attention firmly on him, it’s almost unnerving, but he forges on.

“I,” his cheeks heat and it’s a shock to realize he’s possibly blushing, he wishes he had his helmet to hide behind; he’s not sure how he could hide this using the Force. “I think I like Rey,” it’s not as if Snoke and the First Order thought to teach him about relationships, and he was young enough that he’d never picked up on it naturally.

Somehow he must have lost some time because the next thing he knows his mother is hugging him. “Oh Ben,” she sounds loving and fond. “Of course I’ll give you advice. Though,” she pulls away slightly and he sees a grin on her face. “I’m sure I’ll give you more than your father might be comfortable hearing. So we’ll keep this between us right?” Her wink is something unexpected, and he finds himself grinning in return. Maybe being Ben isn’t so bad.

-

The next day, still mulling over what his mother told him, he only half listens to the conversation Finn and Dameron were having before he arrived.

But he actually hears the name of what they’re discussing and the question escapes him before he even thinks to stop it. “They still make that holoshow?” He has vague childhood memories of Paragon Adventures, he’d liked it until he’d started training under Luke and realizing the Force didn’t work that way—he stops the train of memories there, no need to go further on.

The other two men halt their conversation and look at him, although he thinks Finn is just looking at him because Dameron is; Dameron’s gaze itself is assessing, and unexpectedly unnerving. He narrows his own eyes in response. “What?” It comes out more waspish than he intended, on the other hand he doesn’t much like feeling as if he’s being observed.

“No,” Dameron finally answers. “They stopped about a decade or so ago. But it’s good fun to watch, the right kind of silly.” He didn’t know there was such a thing. “I just didn’t think you would be the sort of kid who enjoyed it.”

Emotion, yet peace, he finds himself repeating over and over in his head. The ancient Jedi mantra reminding him that he could be annoyed and at peace at the same time; if only he could find that peace. He finds that part of him desperately hopes Rey brings Luke back with her, that his uncle will be able to help him in some fashion beyond the tentative stumbling he’s done since he freed himself.

“I did,” he finds himself muttering towards his food. “But the Force doesn’t work that way.”

Poe huffs and he looks up to see that the other man is _smiling_ at him. “That’s what the drinking game is for.”

-

Which somehow ends him up in Dameron’s quarters—which are a mess—sitting in a chair a shade too small for him, with the holoprojector playing the opening credits of Paragon Adventures, a bottle of frowned upon alcohol and three small glasses in front of him, Dameron, and Finn.

“Alright,” Dameron takes the seat on the other side of Finn, “you take a sip every time Devymarq takes too long to say something, same whenever there’s a lightsaber, or when Sorlai’s being stuffy. Drink when the Force gets misused, or when there’s a fight, or Xepoi appears. Down the whole shot whenever an actual historical person gets mentioned or appears.”

Ben thinks he might regret this.

-

In the morning his head _hurts_ —he’ll have to congratulate Dameron on managing to get a Force user drunk.

After he goes through what seems like an hour of pain suppressing meditations he feels like he can open his eyes. His ears have already told him that Dameron is still asleep, and that Finn is unaccounted for. So when he opens his eyes he’s surprised to see Finn up and about, looking like he hadn’t drunk a drop.

“How?” Is all the question he manages to groan out, trying to sit up he realizes that the reason Dameron’s snores sounded so loud is because Dameron was using him as a pillow.

Finn shrugs and comes over bearing a ration bar, it might not be real food, but his stomach doesn’t care. “I didn’t really do much more than sip and drink, didn’t actually know any of the historical people.”

It takes a few moments for Kylo’s alcohol fogged brain to recall that FN-2187 would have only gotten the First Order’s version of events and history; for a moment the guilt hurts worse than the hangover. And since he’s been Finn for only a few days he probably hasn’t had time to acquaint himself with a more...reasoned and balanced account of the past.

Putting that aside for now, but resolving to do something about it, he manages to actually sit upright, dislodging Dameron in the process—the man sleeps through it however, he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not. “Space, what happened?” He doesn’t really remember much past the musical episode.

“You and Poe got really drunk,” Finn shrugs as he takes the desk seat. “You started hugging him and apologizing profusely for hurting him.” Kylo-Ben is mortified. “He accepted and you shared another drink, then you started debating battles in the Clone Wars, and whether Poe is as good a pilot as your grandfather. Then you starting singing some really _dirty_ songs.” Finn looks kind of embarrassed and it’s...curious.

Regardless Ben wants to find a cave and live as a hermit for the rest of his life. He’s certain if his parents were to see him now his mother would be Amused and his father would be ‘Profoundly Disappointed’. “Please don’t tell anyone,” it’s not exactly begging.

Finn frowns, “uh…”

Ben-Kylo is too hungover for this. “What?” It can’t get any worse could it? Well, alright it probably could.

“Well I talked with Rey this morning.” To his credit Finn looks abashed about it. “And I had a lot of fun last night so I kind of told her. And I was gonna tell Poe when he woke up too.” Finn shrugs. “It seems only fair really. She says she’s happy you two are getting along.”

“Getting drunk is not bonding, or getting along.” At least one of them enjoyed themselves. “I’m leaving,” he announces, his voice sounding too loud in his ears all of the sudden. “I’m going to walk into the jungle and just let nature take me.”

Finn immediately jumps up and tries to dissuade him from doing that and Kylo-Ben is still too hungover to try and explain exaggeration, but he thinks he makes his point. Finn does allow him to stumble out of the room by the end of it, and he makes his way to his own quarters and the wonderfully hot refresher.

He feels almost human when he comes out of the healing meditation he sunk into upon collapsing on the bed. Dressing he leaves and makes his way to the library the base has. It’s better stocked than he thought it would be and he gets one of the librarians to pick out the best three history datacards and send them to Finn’s room.

At lunch Finn’s smile is much wider and brighter than it usually is. “Thanks for the books.” Finn all but gushes. “And I totally forgot to tell you this morning, but Rey’s gonna be back in a day or two.”

So maybe he won’t let the jungle take him after all.

-

It’s the second of the two possible arrival days and Kylo-Ben has tucked himself away at the top of the base, his back against the communications array as he watches one of D’Qar’s moon’s rise, while just below it sunrise begins to spread across the horizon—heliacal, he recalls from his lessons with Luke.

A pleasant moment of peace and calm.

He hears the ladder that leads up to the array rattle and he looks over to see Dameron climbing up.

They’ve done some dancing around each other since The Night; hadn’t it been an unhappy shock to realize that Dameron’s memory, even when drunk, was very good. Ben’s not sure how he feels about it all now after that.

Dameron looks surprised to see him, which is a relief actually. “Sorry, I’ll find somewhere else.”

“You can stay,” a part of him more Kylo than the rest wonders what in space he’s doing. “I don’t mind.”

The surprised expression returns. “You sure? You don’t have to be nice to me, I’m not gonna tell anyone either way.” Which doesn’t stop Dameron from finishing his climb and settling up closer to the com dish.

He bares his teeth at Dameron, yet doesn’t feel the same rush of anger he would have only a few days ago; it hasn’t escaped his notice that since he broke free of the Order his fits have stopped. It unmoores him, that anger has been a cornerstone of his life for so long that being without it is unsettling. “I’d definitely tell you Dameron if I wasn’t sure.” Luke and his parents taught him to be polite yes, but they also stressed speaking up for himself.

“Alright,” Dameron shrugs. “If you say so.”

They settle into a somewhat comfortable silence, watching the sunrise and the stars begin to fade under the brighter light. He can feel his mother looking for him, possibly worried that he didn’t show up for breakfast, and he gives her a brief bump through the Force, he doesn’t want her to worry, but he also just wants some more time to himself.

“You know,” Dameron breaks the silence as the jungle around them also begins to wake up alongside the base—they’ll be moving soon, to a base that the Order doesn’t know about. “We met once or twice when we were kids.”

Shocked Ben finds himself frowning. “What?” He doesn’t recall any meetings with Dameron. Not that he remembers much before he went to go train with Luke when he was six; he did have memories of his parents, they did try to make time for him, but setting up a new government and trying to stamp out the rest of the Empire kept them busy most of the time. He has vague memories of being embraced by Chewie, and being watched over by C-3P0. Vividly he recalls the nightmares he’d been plagued with, yet being unable to tell anyone about them.

“...on Yavin IV,” Ben yanks himself out of his memories and focuses on Dameron’s story. “there’d just been this battle, and not to brag but my mom’s kind of the reason we won it,” his smile is easy and proud. “So she came home and the General came to thank her and do all this PR stuff. Which at six I thought was totally boring, but it meant I got to meet the General, which was probably the best thing ever at the time.” Dameron’s cheerful face scrunches slightly, as if he’s trying to recall the next part.

“You were there, but I think you’d fallen asleep? And your mom didn’t want to wake you to meet me. But our moms were still talking about how they hoped we’d be best friends. Which I was against, because six year olds were infinitely cooler than four year olds.” Dameron rolls his eyes.

“I’m touched,” not that he remembers any of that, and he’s visited a lot of jungle planets over the years so they all sort of blurred together. “Granted I’m sure I wouldn’t want to be your friend either.”

Dameron snorts. “You know where to hit a man where it hurts.” It almost sounds like good-natured teasing. “And I think we met on Coruscant once too.”

Frowning Ben casts his mind back, Coruscant is hazy but he does have memories of it. He tries to think of what Dameron would have looked like aged six or seven. “You tried to take my Krayt dragon toy.”

“What?” Dameron looks affronted. “I would never.”

Ben actually manages a smile as they talk back and forth, they may not have met many times, but they had a shared history that’s surprisingly easy to speak of. And it does hurt to be reminded of childhood and the Darkness that had lured him into killing his fellow padawans, but that’s just something he’s going to have to live with.

They talk for so long they both completely miss seeing the _Falcon_ come in.

-

Which means seeing Rey at lunch is a shock. She’s sitting right next to Finn and laughing at something he’s telling her. Ben-Kylo finds himself struck by how confident and self-assured she seems; it makes him feel...not exactly inadequate, but it’s close enough.

But Dameron passes him and raises an eyebrow, clearly questioning why he’s not going over to see Rey; he takes the seat on her other side. And now Ben’s certain that if he doesn’t Poe won’t let him live it down; regardless of the fact the only person who knows about his crush is his mother.

Calming himself as best he can he heads over. He doesn’t want to avoid seeing her, but on the other hand maybe walking into the jungle isn’t such a bad idea after all. But he keeps pressing forward and then she sees him and it’s too late to turn back.

She beams at him as he sits across from her. “Hi!”

The feel of the Force in her is already stronger than it was before, practically a beacon of light and in a way it hurts to look at her. Yet he can’t help but smile back. “Hi, glad you made it back in one piece.”

After staring at him for a moment she laughs, it feels ridiculous how much he might be in love with her. “I’m glad you seem like you’re doing better. Oh, before I forget Master Luke wants to talk to you.”

He tries to squash the bitterness that calls up, he should be _happy_ , Rey’s back, he’s not sure how well he does. Still he manages a nod and begins eating, letting the conversation flow around him.

-

Despite very much not wanting to he knows he won’t be able to avoid Luke; it had been nearly impossible when he’d been a child he doesn’t expect it to be an easier twenty years later. So reluctantly he follows the feel of his uncle through the Force, letting it guide him to one of the doors in the barracks.

He raises his hand but doesn’t knock. His parents said they forgave him for the things he’s done. But in his mind the worst thing he ever did is only an abstract to them, something they’ve only heard of and never seen.

But Luke, Luke knows it all. Knows the face of every child that Kylo Ren killed that night, knew their hopes and dreams.

And how, how can anyone forgive him for that?

The door hisses open, the sound shocking him out of his spiral.

On the other side of the threshold stands Luke; Ben finds himself taken aback by how _old_ his uncle is now, face worn and lined, beard covering most of his face. It’s completely not the image that even Kylo Ren had kept in his mind of his uncle, and now he doesn’t know what to do.

Except that his body moves on it’s own and before he knows it he’s hugging Luke and crying, repeating the same two words over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Hesitantly Luke returns the embrace moving them a few steps into his room and rubbing a hand up and down Ben’s back. “I know Ben.”

Ben doesn’t know how long they stand there, embracing each other and not speaking. But it’s far better than Ben expected. Eventually though his uncle pulls away, blue eyes caring but grave. His flesh hand brushes away the last of Ben’s tears. “Thank you for telling me that.”

Ben-Kylo nods, it does hurt some that Luke didn’t say ‘I forgive you’ but Kylo understands why. And the fact that this is happening at all is a start.

-

The next day he feels washed out and scrubbed raw, it make him withdrawn at breakfast—a fact his father almost comments on, only to be cut off by his mother—and afterwards; there aren’t anymore meetings that he has to do, so he retreats to the library where the bustle of the Resistance packing up to leave is less noticeable and he’s not really in the way.

He tucks himself into a back corner and only half reads _Han Solo and the Mandalorian Pirates_. It’s easy to remember the first time he’d read a holothriller like this, and hunting down his father to find out if it had really happened; he’d been disappointed to find out that no they hadn’t. In a way it’s almost comforting to read it now, he can see the plot twist coming a lightyear away, but that doesn’t really matter; what matters is that it’s simple, good wins and flies off into space with no sort of backlash or consequences whatsoever for whatever might have occurred.

"Hey,” his head jerks up at Rey’s voice.

After a few seconds of silence he realizes he should probably respond. “Hi.” It does surprise him that he was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t sense her approaching.

She stays standing where she is, but does give him a small smile. “Am I interrupting you?”

“No,” he doesn’t even need to think of the answer, he already knows he’s been staring at the same page for about fifteen minutes or so. He tucks his legs in so there’s room for her on the bench.

Taking the invitation her smile grows a little. “Well I’m glad you didn’t actually walk into the jungle.”

“It’s a figure of speech,” he groans, hiding his face behind the reader he’d been using. Absently he wonders if Poe would let him gripe about the fact that Finn and Rey take certain things far too seriously. Then he wonders when Dameron had become Poe, and why he felt like the best person to go to for that.

One of her legs knocks his shins and he peers over the edge of his reader to see Rey arching an eyebrow at him, “why are you thinking about Poe?”

He declines to answer, instead blurting out. “I’ve got something I want to tell you.” It’s not like he doesn’t want her to know that he and Poe are friends, it’s just...complicated, like everything else in his life right now.

The slightly amused expression on her face turns serious, and if he didn’t have her full attention before he certainly does now, the full force of her gaze slightly mesmerizing on it’s own. “Yes?” She arches her eyebrow at him again, and he realizes it’s been nearly a full minute since either of them spoke.

He looks from her down back at the reader _‘He took her face in his hands, noticing how her eyes glittered in the light.’_ Space, even the holothriller isn’t giving him a break. Tearing his eyes away from that he meets Rey’s again, eye contact is important, he reminds himself.

“I, I think I like you, really like you. I mean, as more than a friend.” He feels certain that if it didn’t mean Rey and Finn would follow him in to haul him out he, really would just walk into the jungle. The possibly only redeeming factor is that they’re well and truly alone. Emotions like this, stars even the idea of actual relationships—emotionless sex with strangers didn’t count—are alien ideas to him; having no experience in either.

Rey _looks_ at him, and he can feel her brushing against the edges of his mind. He welcomes her in, lets her see every part of him.

What feels like an eternity later she leaves, his mind at least, physically she moves closer, her side pressing against his shins, her chin coming to rest on one of his knees.  “Alright,” she finally says in reply. “But you’re not the only one you know.”

The contact is unexpected, but not unwelcome at the moment. But her words throw him into a sort of emotional chaos. “I...I mean, I not saying you should _choose_ or something,” it’s easy enough to guess who the other person who might like Rey is; Finn’s not very good at hiding himself.

“If you were I would have left,” she answers plainly. Well in a way that’s a relief. “I just want to be clear. Han says if you’re not clear you have stupid arguments.”

Childish instinct has him wrinkling his nose. “I don’t know if I want to hear my father’s relationship advice coming from your mouth.” If at all really.

She laughs. “It does mean we need a bigger bed, it was a tight fit last time.”

“I’m...I’m not looking for sex.” Even if it’s advice from his father it’s still good advice. He just wants to _know_ himself better than he does before engaging in something that intimate with her, or anyone else right now.

“That’s okay,” her response is brighter than he expected, but accepting. “I’m still figuring out sex stuff myself. I mean I didn’t even know I’m supposed to bleed out of my vagina once a month until yesterday.”

Bewildered all he can really do is stare at her, his brain having somehow been broken by her. At least until she laughs again, and he finds himself childishly poking at her with the Force.

-

But that’s how, that night, he finds his bed filled with more than just Rey. In fact he somehow ends up in the middle of the strange pile that is Rey, Finn, and Poe. Not that he minds. It’s nice in a way, comforting like a hug from his mother, or holothrillers.

It’s later in the night and he’s not sure if any of them are awake, and unwilling to whisper to see if they are. Instead he just lets himself lay there, surrounded by warmth and people who seem to care about him despite him possibly not deserving it. He forces that whole line of thinking away, because it shouldn’t be about what he thinks about their choice, it should be about the fact that they _chose_ , and that he was part of that choice.

Just like it’s up to him to choose who and what he’ll be. True it’s a daunting choice, especially since he’s coming to realize that for most of his life he’s been looking to others to define him, but it will be a _good_ choice, regardless of what he decides.

Peace, tenuous and fragile fills him and he finds himself unsure if he’s blinking back tears or finally falling back to sleep.

As his eyes slide shut for the final time that night he thinks he sees a young Jedi with a sad smile on his face give a nod before vanishing.

He dreams of nothing and in the morning he’s greeted smiles and unexpected kisses.

**Author's Note:**

> Paragon Adventures is probably best described as a show that's a mix of the Clone Wars cartoon and Sparks Nevada, Marshall on Mars.
> 
> As for the Rey commenting about her period at the end of that second to last scene, another prompter in the meme pointed out that Rey's probably malnutritioned and add that to the fact that she does a lot of exerting work and yeah she wouldn't get her period. As for why she's telling Ben/Kylo I like the idea that she's a private person with everyone except her friends, where she doesn't understand the concept of 'oversharing', so yeah...


End file.
